My old house mate was visiting his family about 1 hr north of me, and said we should catch up for lunch.
For most people, catching up with a friend whom you haven’t seen in a long time would be exciting, but for me it’s so much more.
Yes it’s exciting, but it’s also a nerve racking, skin scratching, panic making event that makes me want to hide in my well known wardrobe.
What will he say when he finds out I’m vegan?
What will he think of me when I say I can’t have a drink?
What will I wear!?
Will I explain to him that I’m in recovery?
Oh bloody hell, look at the state of my nails!
What if I get lost and crash on the way there?
I needed to calm down and I was overdue for a mani and pedi. Because there isn’t a vegan & cruelty free salon that I have seen (oh that’s a great business idea!) I decided to do my own mani and pedi . I bought cuticle scissors seeing as I have watched it being done many times before and it doesn’t exactly look like rocket science.
Anyway, as it turns out, it’s harder than rocket science and when performing such drastic measures, make sure tissues and band aids are on hand (no pun intended).
So after being reassured that I won’t die on the drive there and that I won’t be forced to eat meat, I said my dramatic goodbyes to my dog and hit the road.
I made it there safe and sound. I sometimes get in the habit of judging my thighs when I sit down so today I made sure I didn’t (you’re welcome, fellow drivers).
You see, although I am proud of being vegan, I do still stress over what people will think of me. So today I just tried to make my eating, not such a big deal. The game plan was to just shrug it off.
So when ordering lunch today, I asked him to order me a salad. When I did this I was thinking, god does he think I ordered this because of my ED? Does ordering just a garden salad look typical?
I didn’t want any dressing on my salad, but I didn’t ask him to tell the waiter when he ordered because I didn’t want to seem fussy and a pain.
And this my friends is where I learnt my lesson.
So my salad was vegan – score. It was fresh -score. But it was smothered and swimming in oil.
A little bit of oil on my salad is okay but it was swimming and I am not comfortable with this.
I didn’t want to seem like a bother or be a pain so I put a confident smile on my face and acted like nothing was wrong and ate it.
When I got into my car and on the drive home, my heart was pumping pretty damn fast.
I know oil is good for you and I eat oily foods all day, every day, but I wasn’t ready for this..yet!
So although I didn’t cry, kick or scream at the restaurant (you’re welcome everyone) I did, however, feel crap all afternoon.
When I really think about it, I felt mostly crap because I didn’t speak up about what I wanted. I didn’t want to be an inconvenience, and I didn’t want to seem fussy. I felt embarrassed about asking for no dressing!
I realise now that the message I send to the universe is that I’m not worthy of what I want. This has to stop.
I shouldn’t have to apologise for being vegan and asking to leave out the cheese and if they could have the dressing on the side (please).
I need to work on being confident when asking for what I want. But geez it would be so much easier if everyone somehow knew what and when I wanted something!
As always your comments make me smile 🙂
Be kind to yourself,